Snappy Answers to Stupid Debate Points

What W Should Have Said

by Tom Adkins
10/01/04

Okay, I’m gonna say it. I’m gonna say it loud. I watched the first debate between George Bush and John Kerry. With the Presidency on the line and a 5 point lead, and a chance to put a Texas whuppin’ on John Kerry, President Bush totally and completely sucked. Oh, yeah… REALLY sucked. Not just “a little bit off his game.” No, we’re talkin’ S-U-C-K-E-D. Sucked.

Kerry was polished, poised and experienced. Bush was distracted and yeah, maybe a little confused. Forget policy, forget core values, forget philosophy, this was a verbal barroom fight. And there was a massive difference between the men. Even their posture was revealing. Kerry stood up straight, and delivered Shakespearian monologues. Bush mumbled and hunched over as if avoiding a barrage of Purple Heart inducing rocket fire. By 10:30 PM EST, Bush was spanked.

But fear not! Every time Republicans are screwing up their sound bytes, we publish a handy little guide for them to follow. It’s too late to help George Bush. But you can read how Bush should have answered the various questions he faced last night. And hopefully, you will fare better than the Prez when debating those pesky Democrats.

LEHRER: Do you believe the election of Senator Kerry would increase the chances of another 9/11-type terrorist attack?

BUSH: If any President believes every so-called ally must approve our national security, he is begging to be attacked. Would John Kerry be that kind of President? Let’s see how he answers over the next ninety minutes.

KERRY: (The President) diverted our attention from the real war on terror in Afghanistan against Osama bin Laden and taking if off to Iraq.

BUSH: This is NOT a war against Osama Bin Laden. It is a war against terrorism. This proves a fundamental misunderstanding of our enemy.

KERRY: …we pushed our allies aside

BUSH: Our allies abandoned us in time of need, because they had fat oil contracts with Saddam Hussein, and laundered money through French banks.

KERRY: Iraq was not even close to the center of the war on terror before the President invaded it.

BUSH: Sure. That’s why we found dozens of terrorist training bases throughout Iraq, including a passenger airliner in one training base. That’s why we found terrorists hiding out all over. And they sure seem to like coming to Iraq.

KERRY: He rushed the war in Iraq without a plan to win the peace.

BUSH: An 11-year rush? And what was our peace plan for Japan? Or Germany? We had to fight, we had to win. And incidentally, when World War II was over, it took the allies 10 years and hundreds of casualties to get rid of the last Nazi insurgents, who used the same tactics we see today. And it took 10 years to establish the new German government. In Iraq? We did it in a year.

KERRY: I think we need a President who has the credibility to bring the allies back to the table

BUSH: Which allies? The French? They haven’t won a war in 500 years. The Germans? They literally don’t even have an Army. You mean the United Nations? They created an oil-for-food program that gave Saddam Hussein 10 billion dollars. And by the way, the United Nations skimmed 20 billion off the top for themselves. And they laundered the money through French banks.

And do you seriously think that if you are President, the French will suddenly send 100,000 troops to Iraq? How naïve! Frankly, Mr Kerry, I fear those so-called “allies” will take you to the cleaners.

And while I’m on the subject, you called our current allies (you know, the allies who actually showed up when we needed them?) a "coalition of the coerced." Your own campaign spokesmen called them bribed and corrupt. After you spent two years insulting Americas allies, exactly who do you think will show up the next time we need friends?

KERRY: What kind of message does it send when we spend $500 when we should be spending that money here?

BUSH: We could have used the same excuse after Pearl Harbor. And we lost more Americans on September 11th than December 7th. We didn’t stay at home in 1941. We went out and beat them.

And besides, since when have you become a big fan of spending any money on national defense? You tried and succeeded in cutting all the budgets of intelligence, defense, and security in almost every vote you have ever taken. You even tried to gut our intelligence after the first World Trade Center attack.

KERRY: At the current pace, the President will not secure the loose material in the Soviet Union -- former Soviet Union for 13 years. I'm going to do it in four years

BUSH: You mean the FORMER Soviet Union that we defeated when you tried your best to help them survive? You remember the nuclear freeze? Or all those intelligence cuts you voted for? Or those weapons systems you tried to Cancel? Mr Kerry, that defeat didn’t happen by accident.

And didn’t you just make the case that we should spend money at home? Please, Mr Kerry, which way are you going here?

KERRY: We didn't need that tax cut. America needed to be safe

BUSH: That tax cut created the best economic growth in 20 years. And we needed it after we lost one million jobs after September 11th. And incidentally, in case you haven’t noticed, they worked. Revenues are up. Unemployment is down. And we need a strong economy to defeat terrorists.

LEHRER: What criteria would you use to determine when to start bringing U.S. troops home from Iraq?

BUSH: Victory. And victory is when Iraq has an established government, an established and effective security force, and doesn’t need us there anymore.

KERRY: The United Nations offered help after Baghdad fell. And we never picked up on that and did what was necessary to transfer authority and to transfer reconstruction. It was always American-run.

BUSH: Well, no kidding. One bomb went off in Iraq, and the United Nations ran home squealing. Can you imagine if we turned the entire operation over to a group that runs away every time someone gets hurt? War is tough. It is nasty. And you need tough and nasty people to win. That’s why we send the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines to war. NOT the United Nations.

KERRY: What (the President) has said is that, even knowing there were no weapons of mass destruction, even knowing there was no imminent threat, even knowing there was no connection with Al Qaida, he would still have done everything the same way. Those are his words.

BUSH: And they are your words too, Mr Kerry before you decided to run for President. You voted for the same war that I did. Then, you changed your mind, when the Democrats fell in love with Howard Dean. The truth? YOU saw the same evidence I saw. YOU said we should take out Hussein. YOU voted for the war. Now, you want the world to believe you would have done just the opposite? How can anyone trust you?

KERRY: (President Bush) said that he made a mistake in not building strong alliances. I would have preferred that he did more diplomacy.

BUSH: Only a fool could miss the fact that some of our allies let us down when we needed them the most. To claim you want to build a coalition with such so-called “allies” is a misjudgment that should frighten away any voter, and bring a smile to the face of any terrorist.

LEHRER: Has the war in Iraq been worth the cost of American lives, 1,052 as of today?

BUSH: Every war is ugly. Every war is awful. Every war is terrible. War is truly hell. But freedom isn’t cheap. It is usually paid with the lives of patriots. But America is even greater…we purchase the freedom of other people with our own blood. Some folks don’t like that. But if we weren’t willing to die for freedom, Europe would be ruled by Nazis, The Pacific would be ruled by Japanese warlords, the Soviet Union would still enslave a billion people, and Saddam Hussein would still murder 15,000 people every year.

KERRY: I know what it means to lose people in combat. And the question, is it worth the cost, reminds me of my own thinking when I came back from fighting in that war. And it reminds me that it is vital for us not to confuse the war, ever, with the warriors. That happened before.

BUSH: You bet, Mr Kerry. After Vietnam, the nation remembers how many Americans attacked the loyal American soldier for doing his duty. They even lied about fellow American soldiers, even while they were tortured and rotting in North Vietnamese prison camps. Some called them rapists, murderers, baby-killers, torturers and worse. And most despicable, some even led that effort. Even more despicable, some turned the effort of disparaging the most patriotic men and women in America into a career. Would you join me in saying such people should never be elected to the highest office in America, Mr Kerry?

KERRY: We should have allowed the United Nations resolutions to work.

BUSH: Which one? The first? The second? The fifth? The 12th? The 16th? We could have had 500 United Nations resolutions. They were NEVER going to work. EVERYONE knows that. Why? Because we know the United Nations AND Saddam Hussein were raking in billions and billions of dollars from the oil-for-food program. The United Nations is a totally corrupt organization. How can anyone want to be President and not understand that the United Nations will NEVER help us fight a real war on terrorism?

LEHRER: Mr. President. Do you believe that diplomacy and sanctions can resolve the nuclear problems with North Korea and Iran?

BUSH: Not necessarily. Once a nation has atomic weapons, especially a rogue nation like Iran or North Korea, they become an immense threat, and very difficult to deal with, especially when they are run by evil people. This is why it is critical that Saddam Hussein was stopped BEFORE he got ahold of nuclear weapons.

China has the greatest influence of North Korea, and that’s why we brought them into the negotiations. And anyone who claims they can have honest bilateral debates with North Korea is simply a fool.

KERRY: With respect to Iran, the British, French, and Germans were the ones who initiated an effort without the United States, regrettably, to begin to try to move to curb the nuclear possibilities in Iran. I believe we could have done better.

BUSH: Wait a second. I thought you had all this faith in these people to solve all the diplomatic problems of the world. Isn’t it clear to you that diplomacy has failed miserably?

So let’s get this straight. Your favorite “allies” thought they could use diplomacy to beg Iranians to stop building their nuclear weapons program, and they didn’t. When Saddam Hussein tried to put together all sorts of weapons programs, we tried diplomacy and it didn’t work. So I took the path of sending in the armed forces. And that worked pretty good.

Now, you are telling me that if a nation run my vicious people is trying to develop nuclear weapons, you want to sit around a table and whine at them? Mr Kerry, it looks like your theory failed. And if your allies continue failing, Iran will have a nuclear weapons program in a year or two. I’d say your judgment in this area is frightening.

KERRY: I'll tell you this, as President, if it took American forces to some degree to coalesce the African Union, I'd be prepared to do it because we could never allow another Rwanda.

BUSH: So, are you telling us that it’s acceptable to send in American troops with only a regional coalition? And it’s acceptable to send troops to Rwanda or the Sudan, but not Iraq?

KERRY: It's one thing to be certain, but you can be certain and be wrong.

BUSH: Well, Mr Kerry, I’ve seen your entire Senate record and your extremist left-wing activism. You said terrible things about our fighting men and women. You wanted a nuclear freeze. You tried to help the Sandinistas. You voted to kill almost every weapons system in our military arsenal. You voted to cut intelligence, even after the World Trade Center attacks. You have, however, taken every position possible on the war in Iraq.

Mr Kerry, I can see everything you stand for, and I am certain you are wrong.

KERRY: Right now the President is spending hundreds of millions of dollars to research bunker-busting nuclear weapons. The United States is pursuing a new set of nuclear weapons. It doesn't make sense.

BUSH: Mr Kerry, you sound confused. What happens if Iran announces it has a nuclear weapon stored in a bunker? And they are going to use it on a neighbor? Would we take it out with spitballs?

KERRY: Jim, you have to (fight a war) in a way that passes the global test where your countrymen, your people understand fully why you're doing what you're doing and you can prove to the world that you did it for legitimate reasons.

BUSH: The global test? You mean you won’t take action to defend America unless other nations give you permission???

So, there you have it. Kerry’s bass-ackwards policies may throw the world into hell. But he had them down stone cold. Bush may grasp the world situation better than anyone on earth. But who could tell? His answers were clearly rehearsed and disjointed. It boiled down to this: Bush was coached. Kerry studied.

Give Bush credit. He hit Kerry a few times on the "wrong war, wrong place, wrong time" quote, and he pointed out Kerry’s insult to foreign leaders. But it was like scoring a few shots against Shaquille O’Neil….as he dunks on you 50 times.

I’m hoping America sees this event like I do. In an oratorical fencing match, a polished candidate with really bad ideas sliced and diced a verbal neophyte who is actually quite right on policy. Unfortunately, America’s battles are real, fought with bullets, bombs and blood. And that is what’s at stake. Hopefully, America will recognize the difference between verbal skills and leadership skills. In the meantime, use this handy guide as a tool, or maybe consolation. The President can use all the help he can get.