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Let's Get Ready to Maaaarrrryyyyyy!With this ring, I thee annoyby Sean Carter The New York Times's Jayson Blair once said, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” or perhaps it was William Shakespeare; it’s getting hard to tell anymore. In any event, regardless of its true author, this expression is an extreme understatement. Now, please don’t misunderstand me. Women are no more eager to exact revenge than men but for some reason, they are much better at it. The sad truth is that men aren’t terribly imaginative when it comes to plotting revenge. For instance, if you hit a man with a stick, he will either hit you back or pay you $300 an hour to do it again. In any event, his options are rather limited. On the other hand, some women raise revenge to an art form. Take the example of Lynda Taylor, a 36-year-old Florida woman. Recently, Lynda and her husband, David, discussed ending their marriage of three years. However, they had a disagreement when it came to the subject of money. Lynda wanted half of her husband’s recent $150,000 workers compensation settlement while David felt his wife should receive slightly less than half (i.e., none). As you can imagine, Lynda felt cheated out of her half of the marital estate. However, rather than flying into a rage resulting in threats and physical violence, she took the high ground. She retreated into their bedroom where she applied perfume and lit several scented candles. Now, for most married men, this would be a dream come true. In fact, I’ve been trying to get my wife to exact this type of “revenge” since the mid 90s. However, David isn’t your typical married man. He is currently disabled from exposure to toxic mold and hazardous chemicals as a construction worker. He suffers from allergies and an extreme chemical sensitivity to all fragrances, air fresheners and other volatile chemicals. Therefore, this “loving” gesture on the part of his wife was anything but loving. In fact, the assault of aromas was so much for David that he eventually filed a complaint against his wife with the police. Earlier this month, Florida police charged Lynda Taylor with aggravated assault. Now, I will admit that Lynda probably didn’t act with the best of intentions in this case. I suspect she wasn’t trying to seduce her husband considering that she also doused her daughter in perfume and continued to spray the house with bug killer and disinfectants. Nevertheless, the charge of aggravated assault is excessive. Aggravated assault is defined as an assault with the intent to cause serious injury. Usually, aggravated assault charges are brought in cases where the defendant brandishes a gun, pulls a knife, or shows the victim naked pictures of Dr. Laura from the Internet. Obviously, we are talking about serious crimes here. Wearing too much perfume doesn’t seem to fit into this category of “heinous” crimes. Besides, we all work with someone who wears entirely too much perfume or cologne. Should that person be charged with a felony punishable up to five years in state prison? On second thought, that person probably should go to jail. However, the situation is different when the parties are married. Lynda’s actions in this case are best described as aggravating assault. However, causing your aggravation to your spouse shouldn’t be a crime. Aggravation is as much a part of marriage as love, trust, and infrequent sex. Any two people who live together are going to aggravate each other from time to time (i.e., daily). Often, these little annoyances are accidental but sometimes, they are willful. For instance, if a woman has a fight with her cheap husband, she may heal her battle wounds with some “credit card therapy” at Nordstrom’s. Likewise, a husband with a “neat freak” wife may engage the enemy by leaving his dirty socks on the floor. In fact, this is the one of the keys to a long-lasting marriage – finding passive-aggressive ways to annoy your spouse. My wife and I have used this technique to enjoy three years of marriage (of course, we’ve been married for a decade). This may sound childish and immature but it beats the alternatives – physical violence, affairs, and sleeping in your parent’s basement to afford alimony payments. Currently, half of all marriages end in divorce, while the other half fights it out to the bitter end. However, if we start criminalizing non-violent marital spats, then the remaining half won’t stand a fighting chance. The police and the courts must keep in mind that “all is fair in love, war and the 2003 Kentucky Derby.” ________________________________ Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at: |