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There Ain't No Free PornBoobs and booksby Sean Carter According to legend, an ancient king called his wise men together and said, “I want all the knowledge of the world accumulated and put in order so my subjects can read it.” After some time, the wise men came back with 12 bound volumes. The king said, “This is too big! The people will never read it.” So the wise men condensed their work to just one volume. The king told them that it was still too big. The wise men went back to work and condensed this volume into just one page. However, the king asked them to condense it even further. Finally, the wise men came back with a single sheet of paper containing just one sentence. The king read it and said, “Now my people can read and understand the fundamental truth of life.” The phrase read: “There ain’t no free lunch.” Well, last week, five wise men and one wise woman on the Supreme Court made a similar declaration: “There ain’t no free porn.” In a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled that the federal government can require libraries to install porn filters on their computers in exchange for federal grants. In 2000, Congress enacted the Children’s Internet Protection Act (CIPA). The law requires all libraries receiving federal assistance for Internet technology to install porn filters on computers used by their patrons. Let me first say it’s pathetic that these filters are necessary in the first place. After all, what kind of deviant goes into a public library to view Internet porn? Isn’t that why we all have computers at work anyway? However, sadly enough, this is a major problem in many communities. For instance, in passing CIPA, Congress partly relied on one study that documented 2,000 separate instances of children being exposed to pornographic images on library computer monitors. Therefore, Congress decided to make the filtering software a condition to its Internet grants to libraries. Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished in 21st Century America. Almost immediately the law was challenged in court. However, the challenge didn’t come from library patrons wishing to get their jollies at the public library. After all, even sexual deviants have some sense of self-respect. Instead, the challenge came from the librarians themselves. They claimed that Congress exceeded its authority in passing CIPA and that public libraries couldn’t comply with CIPA because it violates the First Amendment. Apparently, these librarians must have inhaled too much book glue. First of all, it must be pointed out that Congress does not require all libraries to install filters; just those libraries that wish to receive federal funds. Therefore, libraries are free to offer Internet porn, strips shows and even lap dances if they so desire. They just have to charge a two-drink minimum because they can’t use federal grants to subsidize these activities. Second, there is nothing unreasonable or unconstitutional about the federal government putting conditions on the use of its funds. Almost all federal grants come with some strings attached. And the federal government is not alone in this respect. For instance, my parents were kind enough to pay my college tuition. However, there were conditions to this gift. First, I had to maintain a certain grade point average. Second, I had to major in a subject for which there was an actual post-graduation employment market. Third, I had to steer clear of drugs and alcohol (well, two out of three ain’t bad). The federal government is allowed to act similarly when it makes a gift of federal funds. The only restriction on the federal government is that it can’t require the recipient to violate the Constitutional rights of others. For instance, let’s suppose the federal government were to give funds to local police departments on the condition that they use those funds to harass black motorists. Since this program would require police departments to violate the Constitutional rights of African-Americans, it would be unconstitutional. It would also be unnecessary because many police departments gladly harass black motorists for free. However, the federal grants under CIPA don’t require libraries to violate anyone’s Constitutional rights. This may be hard for the librarians to understand but their patrons do NOT have a Constitutional right to view Internet porn in a public library. After all, library patrons are perfectly free to view Internet porn at home, provided they aren’t married to my wife. In all seriousness, this case is indicative of a larger problem in today’s society – the “something for nothing” mentality. In this case, the librarians want free federal funds without restrictions. Of course, they are by no means the only Americans with such a mentality. In fact, our legal system is currently drowning in a tidal wave of frivolous litigation. It seems that everyone is suing someone in the hopes of getting something for nothing. If we are to continue to thrive as a nation, this must stop! Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get down to the local convenience store to buy my Powerball ticket. The jackpot is up to $165 million! ________________________________ Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at: |