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Want to Get Rich? Get Sued!Lawsuits for fun and profitby Sean Carter Recently, I received a letter in the mail that I actually read. While most of my mail goes unopened because it bears notices like “PAST DUE,” “WAY PAST DUE,” or “YOU’VE GOT TO BE #$%^ KIDDING ME!” this letter was different. The notice on the front read, “LEGAL NOTICE: $1.1 BILLION IN BENEFITS FOR MICROSOFT SOFTWARE USERS.” I immediately thought, “Hey! This is my lucky day!” After all, I’m a Microsoft user. In fact, I’ve even purchased one or two of the many Microsoft programs on my hard drive. Therefore, I eagerly ripped open the letter to find a settlement notice. I soon discovered that I’ve been embroiled in litigation with Microsoft for a few years now. Who knew? Apparently, Microsoft had been overcharging me for its products and now, it had agreed to a settle our dispute for $1.1 billion. My first thought was to strip down naked and run into the street yelling, “I’m rich! I’m rich!” However, I thought better of this idea when I remembered that I’m still on probation for a similar celebration after “winning” the Publishers’ Clearinghouse Sweepstakes in 2000. Therefore, this time, I decided to actually read the rest of the notice. In doing so, I found out that I wasn’t the only one who had unknowingly sued Microsoft. There were thousands of us. The lawsuit was filed on behalf of all California residents who purchased Microsoft products from 1995 to 2001. I was a little disturbed to realize that I would have to share my $1.1 billion with others but hey, I’m not greedy. However, as I read further, I realized that there would be no money to share. Instead, the entire settlement was being paid in vouchers. These vouchers entitle us plaintiffs to receive discounts on future purchases of Microsoft products. For example, I purchased the Microsoft Word product in 1997. According to the terms of the settlement, I’m entitled to $6 off my next purchase of Microsoft Word. Therefore, instead of paying $199.99 for the next edition, I’ll only pay $193.99. I suddenly realized that I wasn’t quite as lucky as I thought. After all, receiving a coupon isn’t exactly my idea of a windfall. My Sunday paper comes with hundreds of coupons and yet, I’ve never considered this cause for celebration. I decided that my lawyers (whoever they are) should rethink this settlement idea. Therefore, I searched through the settlement notice to find a phone number. In the process, I discovered that my lawyers are being paid $275 million for their efforts. And guess what? They’re not taking vouchers. They’re getting cash. I immediately realized that I had been scammed … again. This entire lawsuit is simply an elaborate Ponzi scheme in which the real winners are Microsoft and of course, “my” lawyers. It is true that Microsoft has to pay upfront legal fees of $275 million but this amount is nothing compared to the hundreds of billions of dollars plaintiffs will spend to collect their settlements. In fact, at this point, Microsoft’s competitors must be jealous that they weren’t sued as well. On the other hand, perhaps there was some good that could come from this settlement. After all, as my grandmother used to say, “If you can’t beat ‘em, run like hell.” Granny was a pragmatist if nothing else. Seriously, I realized that my business could also benefit from a class action lawsuit. And the best part is that I’m already a lawyer so I won’t have to shell out legal fees to plaintiffs’ counsel. Therefore, last week, I filed a class action lawsuit against myself. The lawsuit was filed on behalf of all customers who have bought my books and tapes or hired me for speeches. Next week, I will announce that a settlement has been reached. In the settlement, each of my customers will receive a coupon for $0.03 off any future order of $100 or more. Then, I will just sit back and rake in the money as my customers rush to “cash in” on their settlements. In no time, I’ll be running through the streets naked again yelling, “I’m rich! I’m rich!” And this time, it will be true. ________________________________ Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at: |