When A Good Divorce Goes Up in Smoke

The torch of freedom is not a lighter

by Sean Carter
09/01/04

If you're thinking about divorce (i.e. you're married), then the latest development in family law may give you an incentive to work things out with your spouse. Sure, your spouse may be as cantankerous as a hungry rhinoceros; only less likely to bathe on weekends. However, there may be something worse than marriage to a smelly rhino divorce in today's family court.

Judges all over the country have begun imposing onerous conditions on divorced parents as a condition to shared custody. Take, for instance, the Virginia woman who has been banned from smoking around her children. This rather draconian proscription is part of a shared custody arrangement between Tamara "Puffy" Silvius and her ex-husband, Steven "I'm Not Being Vindictive, Just Honest" Silvius.

Unfortunately for Tamara, giving up smoking around the kids has been harder than watching NBC's coverage of the Olympic synchronized diving prelims (well, maybe not that hard). This is not to say that Tamara hasn't tried to obey the order. For example, on a car trip to South Carolina, she attempted to obey the spirit of the order by taping plastic trash bags between the front and back seats to prevent the smoke from reaching her children.

For her efforts, she was fined $500. On her second offense, the judge wasn't so "lenient." He sentenced her to 10 days in jail. Ouch!

Obviously, Tamara finds herself in a difficult situation but to her credit, she isn't taking it lying down. Instead, she has taken her case to the Virginia appellate courts. She claims that this order violates her rights. A lower court judge has already ruled against Tamara, citing the standard myth that secondhand smoke is more harmful to the long-term development of a child than a sleepover at Michael Jackson's house. This simply isn't true. If secondhand smoke was really a WMD, then how did we all survive our childhoods?

Many of us grew up in households where one, if not both, parents smoked at least two packs a day. And even if your parents didn't smoke, they probably invited their friends over on weekends to blow smoke in your face for them.

Besides, there is a bigger underlying issue here: Should divorced parents be treated differently than married parents? If Tamara were still married to her ex-husband, she'd be able to smoke in front of her kids with impunity. In fact, it's likely that during her marriage to Steven, she did just that. However, now that the marriage is over, the courts (and Steven) are suddenly concerned with the welfare of the children. This is not only hypocritical but more importantly, it's a violation of every parent's God-given right to practice harmful habits in the presence of their children and then urge them to "do as I say and not as I do."

Seriously, what's next? Are parents going to start losing custody of their children because they use profanity or watch too much TV? It's tough enough to be a divorced parent without the threat of your ex-spouse using all of your bad habits against you. After all, if you're going to have to deal with someone finding fault with your every action, then you might as well stay married to the S.O.B. in the first place.

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Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at:

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