When Stupid Laws Attack

Here comes "duh" judge...

by Sean Carter
02/01/05

Last week, the single people of Virginia received good news. The state’s Supreme Court ruled that: sex between unmarried men and women (i.e., good sex) is no longer illegal.

When I read this story on the wire, my first thought was, “I need to get a divorce and move to Virginia.” To be truthful, that’s my first thought when reading any wire news story. However, my second thought was “What took them so long?”

Let’s face it. In 21st Century America, having non-marital sex is about as taboo as wearing a brown belt and black dress shoes; only less likely to draw a criticism from my wife if I do it. Yet, nine states still have fornication laws on their books. This is despite the fact that the Supreme Court has made it crystal clear that such laws violate citizens’ rights to have the only good sex they’re ever going to get.

However, political expediency seems to prevent legislators from repealing these arcane laws. After all, it’s very difficult to win an election in, say, Alabama, running on the “Do It If It Feels Good” platform. Therefore, the practical solution for most legislators is to keep the laws on the books but refuse to enforce them. In fact, that’s just what happened in Virginia, which hasn’t had a fornication conviction since before the Civil War.

For many people, this “Don’t Arrest, Don’t Tell” compromise seems like a good way to keep the peace. Yet, the reality is that keeping a bad law on the books is like dating Marv Albert; it’s just a matter of time before it comes back to bite you in the butt.

This is precisely what happened in the case before the Virginia Supreme Court. A few years ago, a woman sued a man for $5 million for knowingly infecting her with herpes. At trial, the defendant’s lawyer argued that…get this…the woman wasn’t entitled to sue because she’d been engaged in a “crime” at the time of contracting herpes. And therefore, just as a bank robber can’t sue the driver of the getaway car for driving over her foot, this hardened criminal couldn’t sue either.

Of course, you would think that an intelligent judge would be able to see through this argument as if it were one of the teddies my wife wore while we were dating. Of course, he’d need X-ray vision to see through the virtual suit of armor that she wears to bed these days, but I digress.

Unfortunately, the plaintiff in this case didn’t get a smart judge. That particularly Virginia judge must have been on vacation that week. Instead, she got a judge with the IQ of an ostrich; a really dumb ostrich at that. As a result, he agreed with the defendant and threw out the plaintiff’s case faster than Starr Jones’s new husband threw out his back when he tried to carry her over the threshold on their honeymoon last month.

Happily, in the end, justice finally prevailed. However, justice would have come much sooner if the lawmakers in Virginia had the courage to take this stupid law off the books.

Now, if you will excuse me, my wife is calling me to bed. Her suit of armor needs oiling.

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Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at:

www.lawpsided.com