The Michael Jackson Act of 2005

Moonwalking away a free man

by Sean Carter
05/16/05

As a legal expert, I am continually hounded by family and friends who all want to know one thing: “When are you going to get a real job?” In addition, they are also extremely curious about the Michael Jackson case. Did he do it? Will he be found guilty? What in the world did he do to his face?

Now, these are all very complicated legal questions requiring the keen analytical mind of a trained professional (i.e., not me). Yet, what I can tell you is that Michael Jackson will NOT be convicted of child molestation. In fact, Michael Jackson has a better chance of dating a black woman (or any woman for that matter) before a jury of 12 people who still own the "Thriller" album convict him of such a heinous crime.

Let’s face it. In the best of all worlds, proving guilt beyond a reasonable doubt is difficult. However, when the prosecution’s entire case rests of the uncorroborated statements of a young boy who may have been put up to the whole thing by his conniving mother, difficult becomes downright impossible. As a result, I predict that Michael will be back in the studio by summer working on another terrible greatest hits album.

This is certainly bad news for music lovers. And it’s worse news for Jackson. The one good thing that could have come out of this trial was for Jackson to learn that 40-year-old men should not sleep with teenage boys (or even their wives, if they can help it). et, I fear that this isn’t the lesson he’ll take from this situation.

It’s more likely that Jackson will view his court “victory” as vindication. In fact, with the confidence that prosecutors wouldn’t dream of wasting another $5 million in a future unsuccessful prosecution attempt, he’ll probably start hosting weekly pajama parties at Neverland Ranch as if he were Hugh Hefner. Heck, he’s already started wearing pajamas in public.

Obviously, this is something that we must avoid at all costs. And while our criminal courts may be powerless in this context, our elected officials may be able to provide the answer. This is particularly true considering Congress’s recent willingness to pass legislation affecting only one person.

This is why I’m urging Congress to pass The Michael Jackson Act of 2005. This act would make it a federal offense for Michael Jackson (and only Michael Jackson) to sleep with any more children. It would also prohibit Jackson from getting any more plastic surgery without a doctor’s note from Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, MD.

Now, you may be thinking that perhaps Congress has better things to do than pass legislation geared towards a single individual. After all, shouldn’t Congress spend its time NOT passing health care reform, Social Security reform and tort reform instead?

Perhaps, but can’t it do both? Surely, there’s enough time in a Congressional session to both pass the buck on important issues and pass asinine legislation as well. After all, this is America, isn’t it?

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Sean is a practicing attorney who writes a weekly humor column on current legal events called "Lawpsided." Lawpsided pieces appear in a growing number of general circulation papers across the country, including The Los Angeles Times. Moreover, his musings on the law appear on nationally recognized websites, such as jewishworldreview.com, findlaw.com, newsmax.com and etherzone.com, and legal publications, such as The National Law Journal and The Los Angeles Daily Journal. Lastly, he is a regular contributor to national magazines like Razor and Tirade. If you would be interested in publishing this piece or seeing other samples of his work, please feel free to contact him by e-mail, by phone at (626) 786-2095, or through his website at:

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