A Day With the White House
“Gaggle”
Grappling with the Gaggle
Lately, a typical day in the life of the mainstream
media sounds something like your average trial-by-mob assemblage.
For our purposes here, the setting will be the White House press
room. On “trial” is the entire Bush Administration.
Specifically, the main topic of discussion is the recent accidental
shooting of a fellow hunter and friend by Vice President Cheney.
White House press secretary Scott McClellan holds what is commonly
referred to as the “Gaggle,” a near-daily briefing
given to the chief White House correspondents of their “respected”
news outlets.
Here then, is a day in the life of the mainstream media and its
oft-times rambunctious and conspiracy-obsessed questioning regarding
anything this White House does.
Scott McClellan: Good afternoon, everyone. I'd
like to begin with a little preview of tomorrow's remarks in Ohio.
The President will be traveling to Dublin, Ohio, tomorrow to deliver
remarks on his health care agenda. The President has outlined
a comprehensive plan to make health care more affordable and available
for all Americans. It is focused on expanding choice, lowering
cost, and improving quality of care through common-sense, innovative
reforms.
With that being said, I will be glad to take your questions.
David?
David Sanger, New York Times: Scott,
do you think it was appropriate for the Vice President to wait
so long in telling the world--and by that I mean us in the media--about
this shooting?
McClellan: Accidental shooting, David. I believe
the Vice President’s office had a statement within…
Sanger: That’s not what I asked. Why are
you delaying here, Scott? Are you hiding something?
McClellan: Not at all, David. We give it to
you, the press, as soon as we know…
Helen Thomas, Hearst Newspapers: Ari, why the
hell is the Vice President hunting buffalo in New Jersey while
there are children starving in New Orleans?
McClellan: Helen, I assume you mean my predecessor,
Ari Fleisher, who is not here any longer. As to children starving
in New Orleans, I do not believe…
Thomas: Did the Vice President shoot a buffalo
or not, Ari?
McClellan: (sigh…) No, Helen, the Vice
Vresident never got a clean shot. Matt?
Matthew Cooper, Time: Scott, is it true
that the man that Vice President Cheney shot is a covert agent
for the FBI, CIA, DOI, and DWI? Isn’t Harry Whittington,
in fact, Sir Charles Lytton, AKA the notorious “Phantom”?
McClellan: Wait a minute, Matt. That’s
a character in a movie, I believe, played by…
Cooper: A movie made by this White House team
in 1964, Scott? Knowing that it might be useful on just such an
occasion? Did Karl Rove do the casting?
McClellan: Let’s stick to the topic, gang.
I have a progress report on Mr. Whittington that I will be handing
out after the briefing. David?
David Gregory, NBC: Scott, why hasn’t
the President stepped in on this? Is there any truth to the rumor
that the ranch in Texas where this so-called “accident”
took place is where he and the Vice President have hidden the
WMDs to be shipped to Iraq at a future date? To support his “rational”
for going to war?
McClellan: David, I don’t think that is
a fair characterization of…
Gregory: What did you say, you overfed and overpaid
White House knickknack? Stop trying to make me look like a jerk…we
know an answer when we here it. We’ll decide whether or
not the answer fits our agenda, Scott.
McClellan: David, can we try to keep this on
a professional…wait…you’re getting excited…oops!
Could someone get David’s pacifier? It fell out of his mouth
and rolled, I believe, under the CNN correspondent’s chair…Dana?
Thank you.
Gregory: (arms flailing, eyes flashing) We ARE
the unbiased and partisan-free final word…the guardians
of America…
McClellan: Yes, David. I see you’re hosting
“Hardball” again tonight. Jim?
Jim VandeHei, Washington Post: Scott,
is this shooting an impeachable offense? Or possibly a resignation
of office? I mean, were talking about a shotgun blast to the face
here…
McClellan: Jim, that’s stretching it a
bit too far. The Vice President has done nothing criminal here,
he…
VandeHei: The Vice President? No, I mean President
Bush! It’s obvious that this goes to the top of the food
chain here. First the Enron scandal, then the tsunamis in Asia,
then Hurricane Katrina, and now a “shooting” incident…does
the President want to apologize to the American people for any
this?
McClellan: Jim, I think you may have misplaced
some key events here. You forgot 9/11, the wars in Afghanistan
and Iraq, and the fight against terrorism in general. Why not
get the President to apologize for everything while you are at
it, including the sinking of the Titanic? Last question…Jessica:
Jessica Yellin, ABC: A two part question--There
have been accounts that Republicans on the Hill feel that this
has damaged the party, in general. Is that a message that was
conveyed to the President when they had breakfast here with him?
And do you see a correlation--as many reportedly do see--a connection
between the shooting of Mr. Whittington and the recent publication
of some of the old pictures from Abu Ghraib? Are you upset with
the publication at this time? And on Guantanamo, is there any
credibility to U.N. calls to close down Guantanamo? Does the Administration
admit to the fact that the Vice President shot Mr. Whittingham
in order to deflect public and media scrutiny regarding the “domestic
spying program” enacted by the NSA?
McClellan: I count about six questions there,
Jessica, but so what? That’s what you people of the press
are here for--to ask the relevant and important questions that
help keep a democracy a democracy. The people of the country are
well-served when a free and open press--professionals with years
of journalistic experience--can accurately report on events, political
or otherwise.
But until that happens, we’ll just have to muddle along
with you people. Thank you all.
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