I'm Sorry

Confessing my sins

Well, Illinois Senator and candidate for botox Richard Durbin has finally issued a statement regarding his statements comparing our soldiers’ treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to the Nazis, Pol Pot, and the Soviets. It kinda sounded like an apology, and it certainly looked like one, complete with teary-eyed statement praising our soldiers. It was something you might see in a Hallmark card if they put out a “Sorry for Attack Our Soldiers on the Floor of the Senate” line.

Now, many conservatives have said they won’t forgive Durbin until he really apologizes. But I’m willing to forgive him. In fact, his apology has inspired me to apologize to some people for some of the things I’ve done, and I’ve compiled a list.

And at the top of my apology list is Dick Durbin. I’m sorry I spent so little time caring about you after this controversy broke. Your outburst was an obvious cry for help, so now I’m here for ya, brotha. I’ll get you the number for Dumbasses Anonymous.

I apologize to Bill Clinton for the numerous times I’ve referred to you as the Commander In Briefs. It is disrespectful. Everyone knows you prefer boxers.

I apologize to Air America for constantly harping on the poor quality of your radio shows. I filled in for Tom Adkins once on his “On Fire with Tom Adkins” radio show. It was a lot of hard work and I admit I sucked. I can only imagine how much work it takes to suck for 24 hours a day. I’ll be more compassionate next time.

To Michael Moore, I’m sorry for calling you fat. The politically correct term for your condition is “Atkins-challenged.” Consider me humbled.

I apologize to Sean Penn for not taking his reporting stint in Iraq more seriously. I guess it’s just my bias against pretentious Hollywood types and in favor of real journalists. I’ll work on that.

I apologize to France for frequently calling them smelly, snooty cowards. I will now focus on your positive qualities, like…well…ummm…I’ll get back to you on that.

To Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, I apologize for making so many “Gigli” jokes. I should be more compassionate and not bring up the fact that you were the stars of one of the worst movies ever made. My bad.

I apologize to Green Day, the Dave Matthews Band, Bruce Springsteen, and the entire cast of characters from Artists for Change, the musical arm of MoveOn.org. I’ll admit I didn’t listen to much of your music or your political commentary prior to the 2004 election. I promise to try harder to not listen to both of them at all.

I apologize to John Kerry for making comments about his head making him look like Mr. Ed. I have since learned that Lurch of “The Addams Family” is a more appropriate comparison. I will integrate that into my thinking post haste.

I apologize to the faux liberals I’ve outwitted over the years. Just because I insist upon arguments based on facts, logic, and a little bit of humor does not mean your point that “Bush is a poopyhead” isn’t equally as valuable a contribution to the overall political discourse.

To Hillary Clinton, I apologize for saying that I didn’t think you were that intelligent. Any woman who can be considered one of the smartest First Ladies in history and still manage to rely on “I don’t recall” as often as you have under scrutiny has to be a genius.

I apologize to Michael Jackson for making jokes about you doing nasty things to little boys at sleepovers at your house. To make up for it, I’ll bring over some Jesus Juice, you can pull out some porn, and we can celebrate your legal vindication. I’ll be waiting on your call, Michael!

I apologize to Howard Dean for constantly getting the urge to yell “TIM-MAH!” whenever I hear your screaming from the Iowa Caucuses last year. But you have to admit, it is pretty catchy.

I apologize to Nancy Pelosi for commenting frequently that you look freshly tazered when you’re on television. Just because you look remarkably like the Joker wearing flesh-colored makeup is no excuse for me to attack your looks. I’m sorry.

And finally, I apologize to my readers for carrying this gag out a bit too long.

Wow! I feel better already! Getting all of that off my chest has really cleared my conscience. Now, I can start anew...and keep doing exactly what I've been doing. Why mess with a good thing?

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