New Year’s Resolutions
for Other People
The 2007 edition
Well, it’s that time of year again when people
decide to make major life changes because it’s the beginning
of a new year. Some people resolve to lose weight. Others resolve
to stop smoking. Still others resolve to stop looking for naked
photos of Rue McClanahan on the Internet. (I know that last one’s
gonna be tough for me to do.)
For those of you who are new to CommonConservative.com, forgot
since last year, or were fortunate enough to avoid last year’s
edition, I’m not very good at making or keeping New Year’s
resolutions. Anything more complicated that “I resolve to
wake up every morning” tends to be a little out of my pay
grade.
So, instead of writing resolutions for myself, I decided to write
resolutions for other people. I don’t do it because I think
my life is perfect; I do it so the people listed don’t have
to bother with it, thus giving them more time to focus on more
important things, like balancing the federal budget or taking
time to see “Borat.” In other words, I do it because
I care, dagnabbit!
Anyway, here are my 2007 New Year’s resolutions for other
people.
George W. Bush, I resolve that you stop letting situations dictate
who you are and what you believe. We elected you in 2000 and 2004
because you were confident in what you were doing. Now, you’re
lapsing into a milquetoast like your father was…well, pretty
much since 1988. You took us to war against international terrorism
and we can’t win it with a half-hearted leader. Put on the
chaps, boots, and Stetson and lead for the love of Pete!
Nancy Pelosi, I resolve that you strive to work with conservatives
of both parties to get something done. Democrats ran in 2006 on
a platform of change, so now it’s time to come across with
some change for the better, not just change to be changing stuff.
If you keep the American people in mind, the first 100 minutes
of your tenure as Speaker of the House won’t be the same
100 minutes that people wonder why they put Democrats in power
in the first place.
Harry Reid, I resolve that you start sucking up to Joe Lieberman,
big time. Don’t believe the media
hype that Democrats control the Senate because, in truth, you
don’t. You are sitting on a 49-49-2 split. Sure, Bernie
Sanders will most likely play ball with you guys, but Joe Lieberman
is a different story altogether. Let’s not forget it was
Democrats who pushed him away and insulted him when they thought
Ned Lamont could win. If you haven’t noticed, Harry, Lamont
didn’t attend freshman orientation, and Joe’s still
there. After the crap your side pulled on Joe, you have some serious
making up to do.
To the leaders of Iran, Syria, and North Korea, I resolve that
you keep doing what you’re doing and create a bigger mess
of the world than you already have. Then, when the world gets
fed up with you acting like jerks, we’ll have all the justification
we need to turn your countries into parking lots.
To the United Nations, I resolve that you come to grips with the
harsh reality that you aren’t really needed anymore, not
that you were to begin with. Your goal of allowing countries an
opportunity to address problems with other countries without going
to war was a cute idea on paper, but it’s failed worse than
“Gigli: The Musical.” Time to pack it in, guys, and
let America take care of the big problems. Heck, you already do,
so it wouldn’t be that big of an adjustment.
To the media hounding Britney Spears for not wearing panties in
public, I resolve that you back off the future Mrs. Thomas Lindaman.
I’ll talk to her about the panties issue. You run along
and cover something really important, like what Jennifer Aniston’s
pet groomer’s ex-boyfriend has been doing. And speaking
of the newly-single Ms. Spears…
Britney Spears, I resolve that you marry me. Oh, this won’t
be for anything personal, like finally seeing you naked. That's
a fringe benefit. It will be to ensure your kids and you have
a stable relationship in your lives. I understand what it’s
like to be a star at such a young age. Yes, I played Wesley on
“Mr. Belvedere.” I don’t talk about it much
because it’s part of my past. (Well, that, and the fact
it’s a total lie…) Regardless, you need someone who
will be your confidante, friend, father to your children, lover,
and partner. I humbly volunteer for that duty. Besides, after
Kevin Federline, you can only go up.
Barak Obama, I resolve that you do something. Seriously. You’re
in the running to be the Democrats’ candidate for President
in 2008, provided Hillary Clinton lets you run. Either way, if
you want to be taken seriously as a contender for the Presidency
in 2008 or beyond, you gotta start working on that resume of yours.
John Kerry, I resolve that you get a sense of humor. That “botched
joke” of yours right before the 2006 election wasn’t
funny, either as you presented it or as it was on your script.
Good comedians know when to dump bad material, and what you had
was one of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard, and I’ve
watched “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”!
To the Republican members of the “Gang of 14,” I resolve
that you start begging for your political lives before the court
of conservative opinion. That little deal you struck with the
Democrats was monumentally stupid on so many levels, but let’s
start with the fact that the Democrats wouldn’t have abided
by the terms of the agreement as you had them. They would invent
reasons to filibuster any judicial candidates who were to the
right of Lenin (and I’m not talking John here, kids). If
you want to keep your jobs, you’d better stop undermining
the President.
Bill Clinton, I resolve that you put on some pants. It will be
tough, but I’m sure you can do it if you really try. Whenever
you start getting those special thoughts that give you a tingly
feeling in your no-no parts, just picture Janet Reno naked.
Hillary Clinton, I resolve that you drop the whole “it takes
a village to raise a child” crap. It doesn’t and has
never taken a village to raise a child; it takes parents. And
if what I’ve heard about who really raised Chelsea is true,
you are the last person in the world to preach to us about how
to raise a child.
Keith Olbermann, I resolve that you get those rabies shots you’ve
so desperately needed. I’ll even chip in a couple of bucks.
Rosie O’Donnell, I resolve that you hire someone to smack
you upside the head when you say something stupid for ratings.
Granted, this will mean someone is smacking you just about every
day, but it’s the only way you’ll learn.
To the contributors to CommonConservative.com, I resolve that
you continue to make the site better with your commentary. I’ve
been fortunate to have some great writers on the site, both as
staff writers and as guest writers. It’s because of you
that the site is what it is.
And finally, to the readers and fans of CommonConservative.com,
I resolve that you never be afraid to tell me what you would like
us to do differently. The purpose of the site is to give you a
voice, and we would be jerks if we didn’t listen to you
when you had ideas. I’m always open to new ideas, so shoot
me an email if you have one. Just one thing, though. I’m
sticking around, so you can stop emailing me to quit the site.
By the way, Mom, I loved the Christmas dinner.
And that’s the Bottom Line.
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