What Are We? Stupid?

The brain drain is insane!

You may have missed this in your local newspaper, but July 20, 2006, was a special day. Yes, it was World Jump Day, where a “scientist,” Professor Hans Peter Niesward from the Institute for Gravitational Physics in Munich) got over 600 million people from around the world to jump at the same time in an attempt to shift Earth’s orbit to “stop global warming, extend daytime hours, and create a more homogenous climate.”

After doing a little research on World Jump Day, I found people on both sides arguing whether something like this would work. After reading more about it, I figured out why it wouldn’t work in 2 seconds. Well, actually it was closer to 20 minutes if you count the 19 minutes and 58 seconds of hysterical laughter prior to me figuring it all out. Here’s why World Jump Day wouldn’t work.

It’s a bunch of people trying to change the orbit of a good-sized planet merely by jumping.

I’m not sure which is scarier, that people actually believed they could move the planet by jumping or that people far smarter than I felt the need to argue that it couldn’t be done. Either way, it tells me one of two things: 1) we have way too much time on our hands, or 2) the world’s getting dumber.

It’s not something we like to think about because it gives our egos a headbutt from a French soccer star. We think we’re pretty with it folks, but our base of knowledge has been dwindling for years. There have been studies upon studies to confirm this, but you don’t need to be a researcher or a scientist to see humanity’s intellectual decline.

Just look at the warning labels on products.

Back in the good old days, we would know enough not to run our snowblowers on the roof or that a toy Batman cape would not enable the wearer to fly. Thanks to the combination of litigation, regulation, and drunk guys yelling, “Hey, watch this!” we now have to put warning labels on products that really push the limits of common sense. A good example of this is a bottle of orange-based cleaner I bought for use around my car a year ago. Right on the label was a warning that the cleaner was “not for consumption.” Well, gee, it’s made with oranges. It should be okay, right? As goofy as that sounds, I guarantee there was or will be someone who says those words or something similar before getting really sick and demanding the company pay him for being stupid.

Unfortunately, the legal system is set up to reward the kind of abject stupidity we’re warned against on labels. Juries award the “victims” of their own stupidity so often it’s like a Legal Lotto drawing. Anybody can sue anybody for anything today. Heck, I’m suing myself for sexual harassment because I don’t appreciate the way I look at me when I’m working. I hope to settle out of court with myself to spare myself the embarrassment of having to explain my actions against myself to a jury. And those companies who just want the problem to go away without going through a trial will offer settlements that far exceed the actual damage done.

Outside of the courtroom, the outlook for intelligence is looking grim. For every new invention that can actually help mankind, there are at least 2 that really have no purpose. Case in point: “American Inventor.” Week after week, inventors would present the judges with inventions that nobody in their right minds would want, and then they would look disappointed if the judges told them no. If you thought “American Idols” has drama divas, “American Inventor” gave us drama diva geeks. And for that, I curse you, Simon Cowell.

In a world where Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, and David Arquette are more famous than scientists working on a cure for AIDS, how does intelligence survive? We have to take the reins on this one, folks. Instead of watching reruns of “Will and Grace,” pick up a book. (And, no, something from the Oprah Book Club list doesn’t count.) Instead of spending anywhere from $8 to your right kidney to see “Snakes on a Plane,” take in an art exhibit, a play, a musical, or a classic film. Instead of playing poker online, just send me all your money.

Yes, with a little thought and effort, we can turn back the tide of rampant stupidity in our world. This could be a new Enlightenment, a golden age of…

Aw, to heck with it. Get me my helmet and my drool cup. Springer’s on in five.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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