GOP = Grand Old Par-TAY!

Putting the "party" back in "political party"

I was watching a World Wrestling Entertainment pay per view, SummerSlam, recently originating from Washington, DC. I know pro wrestling is fake, but I watch it for the storylines. (And, and I read Playboy for the articles.) During the pay per view, they did one of their usual crowd sweeps and found former Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie, as well as current RNC chairman Ken Mehlman, both of whom appeared to be having a great time. I kept looking for them to sweep the crowd and find a prominent Democrat or two for balance, and you’ll never guess who they showed.

No one. Not even a guy in a donkey suit. Apparently Danny the Donkey Boy’s match with Irving the Killer Accountant was scratched, but that’s not important.

But I started thinking and I figured out why. Republicans have become the party of fun while Democrats have become the party of dour individuals. The shocking thing is that the opposite was true last decade. In the span of a few years, somehow Democrats have turned into Bob Dole and Republicans have turned into Bill Clinton, but with the ability to keep their pants on with interns in the room for extended periods of time.

Having been in both parties, I can tell you that there are no harder partiers than Republicans, especially College Republicans. Underneath the blue suits, red ties, and white starched shirts are party animals. Sure, they look all prim and proper on the outside, but get a Jello shot or two in ‘em and they’ll be getting down with their bad selves. Democrats, on the other hand, don’t party as hard as you might think. They’re too busy moping about big problems like homelessness, global warming, and keeping Michael Moore away from the food table long enough to start working on his next crockumentary. For the record, though, Libertarians still throw the best parties because they know where all the good drugs are.

The Democrats now have a serious problem. The Republicans are ditching the Brooks Brothers suits for jeans and t-shirts, and they’re leaving their serious sides at home. And when you’re trying to get people to like you, you don’t want to appear to be a wet blanket. It’s like having to choose between Beyonce Knowles and Bea Arthur for a night of hot sex. Most people would opt for Beyonce. (And if you can get both of them at the same time, my hat is off to you.)

So, what turned the Democrats into people that make the Amish look like the Delta Chis from “Animal House”? I think it stems from Al Gore losing the 2000 election to George W. Bush. Even the choice of Al Gore is suspect. We went from Bill Clinton, a platinum card carrying member of Horndogs International and a man who could get members of the National Organization of Women to do a “Girls Gone Wild” tape just by showing up, to Al Gore, a man who could make naked pudding wrestling boring. That’s the entertainment equivalent of hitting a brick wall at 100 miles per hour.

On the other side, the Republicans had George W. Bush, a cowboy who was rumored to like both strong drink and stronger drugs. In short, Bush was like us, pretty much. And in the end, Bush beat Gore for the same reason America beat the Soviet Union: because we’re more fun than the alternative. Since then, Democrats have had a perpetual sour look on their faces and in their demeanors. Meanwhile, Bush and the Republicans are just cruising along with the top down, listening to country music and heading out to do some dancing. John Kerry tried to bridge the fun gap during the 2004 election by windsurfing, bicycling, and dressing up like a condom, but it looked staged and, thus, not real. (Note to John Kerry: Trojan is not the name of an elite tailor from Europe.) Bush for all of his faults appears to be genuine and comfortable with who he is.

There may be another reason there weren’t any prominent Democrats at SummerSlam. The people who enjoy pro wrestling are regular people, like the NASCAR dads from the previous election. Democrats have it in their heads that regular people should be used for campaign ads to show how much they care about regular people, but they don’t actually think that highly of the Joe Sixpacks of the world. For them to appear at a pro wrestling event would mean they would have to face the very people they claim to support, and you can’t even get nachos with melted Brie at the venue to go along with your champagne.

The only advice I can give you Democrats is the same advice you gave Republicans about Bill Clinton: get over it! Drop the morally superior attitudes, kick off those Birkenstocks, grab a cold one, and start dancing to the music. But for the sake of having enough alcohol to go around, make sure you leave Ted Kennedy off the guest list, okay?

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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