Tell the Fat Lady She's on in Five

The end of the Sheehan saga

Cindy Sheehan, I have some good news for you and some bad news. The good news is that your quest to meet with President Bush is coming to an end. The bad news? It’s ending because you’re no longer relevant, if you ever were.

But look at all you’ve accomplished since you first set up camp in Crawford, Texas. You…well, there was…wait, didn’t you…what about…come to think of it, I can’t think of anything positive that you’ve accomplished. Sure, you “raised awareness” of the anti-war sentiment in this country, but that could have been done with a letter to the New York Times. And I think it would have saved you a lot of heartache and having to camp out in the process.

But you have so many great memories, don’t you? All the people you met, all the interviews you did, all the blogging you did for HuffingtonPost.com with people cheering you on like a hero. There were even calls for you to run for public office! And of course there’s your book! When it comes out, you will be trotted out all over again to say how Bush lied to us about WMDs in Iraq or how he was a horrible leader when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.

But it’s only delaying the inevitable. Sorry, Cindy, but you’ve jumped the shark. And not just once, mind you.

The first time you jumped the shark was when you started offering advice on how to bring peace to the world by getting Israel out of the Gaza Strip and America out of Iraq. Up to that point, you were doing fine talking about how our involvement in the Iraq War was bad, but when you started channeling Henry Kissinger by way of Peter “Wrong Way” Peachfuzz, you went from anti-war spokesperson with a serious message to one black (or is it African-American) helicopter story from being a fill-in host for Art Bell. Then, it came out that you blamed a Jewish cabal for your son’s death.

Mr. Bell, you can go on vacation now.

If this had been the only thing you did, we might have forgiven you. Ah, but you decided to jump the shark again by comparing the insurgents in Iraq to freedom fighters, while blasting coalition troops. Then, there was the statement you made about the media coverage around your protest getting in the way of your message. You had a point on this…until it came out you had a PR person working for you to arrange radio and newspaper interviews.

Care for another shark jumping moment? There was the time you told the military to get out of “occupied New Orleans.” Never mind the fact that before the military got there, things were as peaceful as AC/DC playing a concert in Beirut during a firefight and that most people welcomed the military presence. Our military was an “occupying force” in your eyes, so it had to be so. After all, you’re Cindy Sheehan!

That and $4 will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

But the granddaddy of shark jumping moments came courtesy of your diary on DailyKos.com. On the morning of your grand anti-war protest, you wrote "I was watching CNN and it is 100 percent Rita...even though it is a little wind and a little rain...it is bad, but there are other things going on in the country today...and in the world." I'm sure the people in Texas affected by Hurricane Rita appreciate your concern for them, Cindy. But on the plus side, you don't have to take off those water skis and protective orange floatation vest because you’re doing an entire water show with the shark now.

As a D-list cyber celebrity (which means I can get into private chats with Christina Aguilera’s bodyguard’s second cousin’s hairdresser’s pool boy without any problem), I understand how fleeting celebrity can be. What you’re doing is what most people with limited talent do when their 15 minutes of fame is almost up. Instead of doing something else and really making an impact, you’re doing more of what got you famous in the first place. But it doesn’t work like that. You have to learn to branch out and try something else. The guy who played Screech on “Saved By the Bell” learned to branch out once the show had run its course, and you should follow suit. Screech knows best, Cindy.

And Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita are the perfect opportunities for you to do just that. I know you have a bus tour going on, but imagine the good you could do by loaded up those buses with food, clothes, donations, and other relief items. Of course, this would divert you from your “message” but let’s be honest. No one’s listening to you anymore because your one trick is getting old. End on a high note, Cindy, and do some good for a change.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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