An UNconventional Candidate

Why I should run the UN

In January 2007, the United Nations will be picking a new Secretary General to replace outgoing Secretary General Kofi Annan. And, boy, who won’t miss the competent, honest, and incorruptible leadership that Annan provided us during his tenure? I mean, aside from Saddam Hussein.

There are many people who have thrown their hats into the three ring circus of the UN to take Annan’s place. Most are long-time diplomats who have years of experience dealing with international affairs and negotiation.

Then there’s me. Yes, I’m hereby announcing my candidacy to be Secretary General of the United Nations.

The first thing people might ask is, “What are your qualifications?” Either that or “Are you high?” or “Will you stop stalking me?” To be honest, I’ve never run an international organization, but I’ve been known to run to the International House of Pancakes every so often. That has to count for something, right?

Regarding my educational background for the job, I’m coming up emptier than a scotch bottle at the Kennedy compound on St. Patrick’s Day. Or another other day. I did some checking and neither of the universities I attended had a United Nations Studies major or minor. And if I’d had the opportunity to have that as either a major or a minor…I still wouldn’t have done it. Seriously, how tough is it to be in the United Nations? Aside from the possibility of getting hooked on espresso, Red Bull, and truck stop speed necessary to sit through even one speech at the UN, it’s a pretty sweet gig.

With the recent oil for food scandal, the UN is looking to enact reforms. The problem is that none of the other candidates really has a line on just how we can fix it. I do. Here is a list of some of the reform ideas I came up with.

1) The America-hating has to go. America isn’t perfect, but a lot of the criticisms against us are petty and without merit. As Secretary General, the minute some jerk like President I’vebeenadinnerjacket of Iran or Hugo Chavez starts talking smack about the country that allows the UN to stay here rent free and get away with everything from parking violations to murder, I’d interrupt and say, “Listen, Happy McSlapnuts. Shut your piehole or I’ll put in a phone call to the White House and your country gets to see the American nuclear program, up close and personal.” Sure, it’s a clear abuse of power, but it would be pretty darn fun.

2) The UN needs to be more fun. Right now, the UN is as exciting as Al Gore at an Amish spring break in Utah. It needs some pizzazz! As Secretary General, I’m going to make the UN more fun. Ever hear of Model UN, the activity where high school and college students reenact the pulse-pounding excitement of the UN? I’m introducing Supermodel UN. Yes, instead of stuffed shirts debating what needs to be done in Upper Lower Middle Someweirdforeignsoundingcountryistan, we’ll have the most attractive women in the world representing the countries of the world. Have a conflict between Iran and Iraq? I have a two-word solution: pudding wrestling. And Wednesdays will be Ladies Day at the UN, where all hunky men will be doing the work…without shirts! We’ll have the world singing in perfect harmony in no time and without the Coca Cola!

3) Marketing opportunities. One of the big problems with the UN is that it hasn’t ever learned how to market itself properly. Am I the only one who thought the UN could have made a mint off a Mr. Kofi line of coffeemakers? As Secretary General, I plan to pull out all the stops. What boy wouldn’t want his own set of UN Delegate Action Figures? Or trade UN Trading Cards with friends? Girls would have a blast with the Barbie Dream UN. And the entire family could enjoy the Pixar animated film “The UNcredibles.” T-shirts! “UN Gone Wild” DVDs! The possibilities are endless!

And that’s just the ideas I was able to scribble on the back of a cocktail napkin. Just wait until I get a legal pad!

Yes, my fellow Americans and United Nations delegates, my resume may not be as impressive as some of the other candidates out there, but if elected, I will fulfill my duties to the best of my abilities and make things interesting to say the least. Besides, you could do worse. You could have an ineffective leader who was in Saddam Hussein’s back pocket so far that his body was scarred from the stitching.

Oh, sorry, Mr. Anan. I didn’t think you were still reading.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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