Now Presenting…Tarmac the Magnificent!

Political prognostications for 2008

By the time you read this column, we will be close to one year out from the 2008 Presidential elections. And that means two things. One, we’ll be bombarded with political ads for the next year. And two, we’ll have people trying to play Carnac the Magnificent and predicting who will win the nominations for the two major parties. I’ve always found these exercises in speculation to either be an exercise in wishful thinking or a rehashing of the screamingly obvious so that the person doing the predicting looks like he/she has a clue. It’s pointless, ridiculous, and nothing more than an ego stroke.

Which is precisely why I’m doing it.

So, allow me to throw my rhinestone-studded turban into the ring and give you Tarmac the Magnificent’s Utterly Awesome and Quite Possibly Utterly Inaccurate Political Predictions for 2008!

Democrat Candidate for President: Hillary Clinton. It’s Hillary’s race to lose. Her opposition ranges from the absurd (Joe Biden) to the out there (Dennis Kucinich) to the inexperienced (Barack Obama) to the uninspiring (Bill Richardson) to the unknown (Mike Gravel). Unless Hillary really messes up at the Iowa Caucuses and the New Hampshire Primary, she’s the candidate to beat. And even if she does pull a Howard Dean, she might still have enough pull within the Democratic National Committee that she could get the nomination anyway. But she’s doing it…for the children!

Democrat Candidate for Vice-President: John Edwards. A lot of people are saying Obama’s the one vying to be Hillary’s Robin to her Batman, but I don’t think the two of them can co-exist on the campaign trail together. Instead, Hillary will be going for someone with the qualifications she’s looking for in a VP: dishonest, unscrupulous, legally slippery, greedy, and easily cowed by a woman. Hel-LOOOOOOOOOO! If that’s not John Edwards, I don’t know what is!

Wild Card: Al Gore. With a Best Documentary Oscar in one hand, a Nobel Prize around his neck, and a free hand to take big donations from Buddhist monks who have sworn an oath of poverty, Gore has the ability and the groundswell of support to make a run at Hillary for the Democrat nomination if he so chooses. With his global warming movie getting him at least some level of personal validation, he may be ready to run again in spite of his protests to the contrary. After all, if Gore can take credit for the taking the initiative in the creation of something that was already in existence before he was elected to the House of Representatives, he might be playing fast and loose with his plans to run.

Republican Candidate for President: Rudy Giuliani. Yeah, yeah, Rudy’s as much like Ronald Reagan as Jimmy Carter was, but he has more of an upside than strategists think. Sure, he has multiple marriages and that whole odd habit of crossdressing for “the religious right” to blast him over, but what he loses from the fringe on the right he more than picks up from the moderate and liberal Republicans, as well as perhaps Independents (like your humble columnist) and even conservative Democrats who don’t want to pull the lever for Hillary. Plus, he puts a lot of states in play that wouldn’t be. Besides, do you seriously think the majority of Republicans are going to sit and pout if Rudy’s running against Hillary? If so, I have some swamp land in the Sahara I’d love to sell you.

Republican Candidate for Vice President: Fred Thompson. For all the hype surrounding Fred’s entry into the 2008 race, his performance so far has been less exciting than Joe Lieberman curling with Ben Stein. But he would bring to the ticket a more conservative bent, which should appease enough of the “religious right” to quell questions about Rudy. Plus, he’d be a shoe-in to win the Vice Presidential debate with Edwards. All he’d have to do is just glare at Edwards and he’d be bawling for his mommy before he got through his opening comments.

Wild Card: Mike Huckabee. Ignore the fact that his last name sounds like a national restaurant chain where you’d find junk on the walls. Mike Huckabee brings some impressive conservative credentials to the table. A good performance in the Iowa Caucuses and/or the New Hampshire Primary and there might be another winner from Arkansas, and this one might actually be faithful to his wife!

Independent Candidate for President: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

Winners of the 2008 Election: Giuliani/Thompson. Wishful thinking? Not so much. Clinton/Edwards will have to appease the freak left, the faux left, and the moderate left on almost a daily basis. Edwards may be a slick talker (anybody who claims to channel dead children has to be), but Hillary’s vote on the war and inability to come up with a legitimate lie…I mean explanation won’t do much to appease the Code Pinkos, the Daily Kos-monauts, and the MoveOutOfOurParentsBasement crowds.

On the other side, Giuliani/Thompson would have some trouble with some elements of the Republican Party, but not to the extent of Clinton/Edwards with the Democrats. Not to mention, Rudy and Fred both know how to handle the media. With a media hostile to them and being so far up Hillary’s butt they can search for polyps, this will be key. But the thing that puts them over the top is the fact you don’t have to dig past layer after layer of spin, lies, and half-truths to get to who they are. Rudy and Fred are genuine for the most part (or if not, they fake it really well). Clinton and Edwards? They ooze dishonesty, which will turn off voters and give Giuliani/Thompson the victory.

And on that note, I think I’ll put the turban away and put this piece in a sealed mason jar on Funk and Wagnall’s back porch.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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