Gimme Twelve Steps

An intervention for Democrats

November 1, 2005, is a day that will live in infamy, a day when America saw the worst of humankind on display. Yes, on this day, Senate Minority Leader and spokesman for Sominex Harry Reid shut down the Senate to conduct an investigation on whether pre-Iraq War intelligence had been exaggerated.

Okay, so it wasn’t that infamous. But try telling that to the Republicans. Talk radio and the blogosphere were up in arms over Reid’s actions. Frankly, anything that prevents other people from seeing our Senate in action is a good thing in my book. I’d compare it to finding out how they make hot dogs or sausages, but I wouldn’t want to insult hot dog and sausage makers.

Senate Majority Leader Bill “No, I’m Not Rich Little” Frist went so far as to call what Reid did “a stunt.” Republicans suddenly realized that Frist was actually doing something other than pretending to be a stick in the mud, and they cheered his passion. But, I’m not amongst them because I don’t see what Reid did as a stunt.

I see it as a cry for help.

Democrats really haven’t had much to cheer about these days. Iraq has had two free elections since we ousted Saddam Hussein. Air America has been caught stealing money from charity to keep their doors open. Cindy Sheehan’s vigils and appearances haven’t turned people against the war in Iraq. Democrats weren’t able to derail the nominations of John Bolton, John Roberts, or Harriet Miers (although conservatives did a pretty good job of ending the Miers nomination in a hurry). They did get Tom DeLay indicted, but the indictments were weaker than a murder mystery written by Paris Hilton.

And the latest slap in the face, the big investigation into who outed Valerie Plame resulted in five indictments, none of them on Karl Rove, or as he’s known in Democrat circles, Beelzebub. (On a related note, how does Rove get a cool nickname like “The Architect” and Mr. Libby gets stuck with “Scooter”? Was “Fozzie” or “Gonzo” already taken?) After their media allies swore up and down that Rove was the leaker, Patrick Fitzgerald pretty much exonerated Rove and Libby in the indictments themselves.

But perhaps the biggest problem facing Democrats right now is the fact that nobody seems to care about them anymore. Polls may show that President Bush’s approval ratings are lower than an Amish girl’s hemline, but the Democrats aren’t taking advantage of the situation by appearing to be a viable alternative. A thirsty man may not want to drink iced snail snot, but if the alternative is warm snail snot, he’s going to hold his nose and enjoy the frosty goodness.

So, like the compassionate soul that I am, I’m having an intervention for the Democrats. And, as you might expect, I have a 12 step program.

1) Admit George W. Bush beat you twice. As perfect and intelligent as you think you are, Bush took Al Gore and John Kerry to the woodshed. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will get better.

2) Listen to the people. The past 3 elections should tell you something about how much voters like Democrats and their ideas. Maybe you should take a moment from patting yourselves on the back and, oh I don’t know, figure out why…

3) Find some new leaders. Start fresh. The people you have in power right now are either loud and incompetent or on the Clinton payroll. As it stands, neither one is helping. And speaking of the Clintons…

4) Accept that Bill and Hillary Clinton are not your friends. Quit defending these two, would ya? Bill sold you guys down the river in the 90s and Hill’s looking to do the same in 2008. And they’ve run your party into the ground. Dump ‘em and fast!

5) Stop being geographically bigoted. I’ve heard Democrats talk about my home state of Iowa as being “flyover country” and “unimportant.” And in 2004, we went for Bush. Helloooooo…

6) Break off ties with Hollywood. Sure, it’s always nice to have a Warren Beatty or Barbra Streisand appear at a Democrat fundraiser and give tons of money, but have you heard them speak on their opinions? The word “agonizing” comes to mind. You may need money, but you don’t need it so badly that you let people whose job it is to pretend to be other people speak on your behalf. That’s Congress’s gimmick.

7) Find new issues. You guys are the winners on issues like abortion and gun control. The problem is most people don’t care about these issues anymore! Get some new material.

8) Reach out to more conservative Democrats and independents. Democrats moving to the left have marginalized a lot of people, especially conservative Democrats like Zell Miller and Joseph Lieberman. Don’t push them away. You need them on your side to truly be a diverse party.

9) Stop the negativity. The main reason that Democrats kept giving as far as why to vote for John Kerry in 2004 was “He’s not George W. Bush.” Why not tell us what you’re for instead of inundating us with what you’re not?

10) Learn your party history. So many Democrats today have forgotten or don’t even know how Democrats used to be. You would do well to research your party’s roots and acknowledge it in your current mindset.

11) Love your country. When one of your party leaders compares how our soldiers treat prisoners at Gitmo to Nazis, the former Soviet Union, and Pol Pot, it makes your “We support the troops” comments ring hollow. America isn’t the evil, racist, war-mongering country you think. Take a moment to appreciate that you have the right to speak out against the government and love the country that is a beacon of freedom for the world.

And finally…

12) Under no circumstances hire Bob Shrum to run a campaign.

And that’s the Bottom Line.

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