A Very Special Column

Lessons from a special election night

As politicians and pundits alike try to piece together some semblance of an argument about the impact of the November 3 special elections across the country, one question comes to mind: who the heck is Lady Gaga and why should I care? (Okay, that’s two questions, but they’re still pretty prevalent ones.) So often, though, the two P’s on a podium miss the true significance of events like the special election results. Since I’m the 2,459,309,128,304,812,115,690th most respected political pundit on the Internet according to WeTrackOnlinePunditsBecauseWeHaveNoLives.com, I figured I’d try to help out a bit.

Republicans: It’s time to face the music. Moving to the center doesn’t help the party. If it did, Democrats wouldn’t be pushing the GOP to become more centrist. The fact is the heart and soul of the Republican Party is conservatism. And I’m not talking about the Meghan McCain brand of conservatism either. I’m talking about Ronald Wilson Reagan, jack. Dutch made being a Republican cool and connected with the conservative values that still ring true in many people. Instead of trying to be Democrat Lite, take a cue from the TEA Party people so many of your so-called leadership are dismissing and go back to being a small government party.

Democrats: You’re left with a bit of a dilemma here. Sure, you saved one Democrat House seat in California and picked up one in New York State, but if you can’t deliver the goods for the party, what good is it? Letting Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid play tug-of-war with the health care reform bill debate is more pointless than a yarmulke. And the longer you guys squabble over the bill, the more likely it will be discarded in lieu of a politician’s favorite pastime, getting reelected. You should also take note that there are more conservatives in your midst than you care to admit, and they will vote against you or stay home if you continue to treat them like Kanye West at a Taylor Swift concert. Republicans are starting to catch on, and that’s going to leave you in the dust with nothing to show for your efforts but the Pork-A-Palooza bill.

Barack Obama and Joe Biden: Boy, what a difference a year makes, huh? Back in November 2008, you two were the talk of the political town and provided Democrats needed boosts to win elections. Now, the candidates you backed didn’t fare so well for the most part, and one, Creigh Deeds in Virginia, even told you to hit the bricks! Your Midas touch has tarnished, guys. But you guys and your White House pals continue to bash Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck. I’m sure that will be a real winner in 2010!

Hillary Clinton: At first, you may be wondering why I’m invoking Hillary’s name here. Then, you may be wondering where you put your car keys. To address the first question, Hillary is in a unique situation right now. She’s one of the most powerful people in the world, and she’s slowly being marginalized by Obama. To say she’s been a disappointment as Secretary of State is to insult Madeline Albright because, dang it, that was her shtick! What Hillary can take away from the special elections is that Obama has been weakened by his inability to deliver when it counts. Both Clintons are still pretty big draws in Leftist circles, and if the special elections are a sign of what’s to expect in 2010, Hillary may find herself in a position to defeat Obama, one way or another. As far as your car keys, you’re on your own.

Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL): He really can’t learn anything from the special elections. I’m just putting his name on the list so I can call him a Rep. Joe Wilson wannabe who reminds me of a growling poodle about to be eaten by a Great Dane.

Third Parties: Third parties have been the redheaded stepchild of politics since John Anderson had his hat handed to him by Ronald Reagan and Jimmy Carter in 1980. Even Ross Perot’s Reform Party legitimately lasted for 2 election cycles in the 1990s before it was relegated to STAG Party status. Consider this, however. In the contested New York 23rd District election, Doug Hoffman (a member of New York’s Conservative Party) beat the Republican Party candidate Dierdre Scozzafava and nearly beat the Democrat Party candidate Bill Owens. The fact that Owens was nearly upset by a third party candidate should give the Democrats cause for concern, and it should give third parties a reason to think that there might be a place at the table for them after all. And when you consider the TEA Party movement is as disgusted with Democrats and Republicans as my last girlfriend was with my habit of biting toenails (granted, they were hers…), we could see a major upswing in third party activity in 2010.

The Media: You guys are the ones who need the lesson the most. You can call people like Doug Hoffman a right wing extremist Tea Party Birther Deather Neanderthal pot pie eating maniac all you want, but your influence is waning. You guys helped get Barack Obama elected, and now you’re fading into obscurity because people have started to turn off your 24/7 Obama Love Fest 2009 coverage. There’s a reason Fox News Channel is number one in the cable news ratings, and it’s legs…I mean balance. Try picking up some and see how that works out for you. Oh, and CNN? Next time you want to free up some salary money, dump Rick Sanchez. He’s the Alan Grayson of your network.

Class dismissed.

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