What About Bob?

Lindaman’s plan for a new UN

by Thomas Lindaman
05/01/04

Conservatives, myself included, love to gripe about the United Nations or, more specifically, why America still belongs to it given the fact we’re as popular there as Jesse Helms at the NAACP Image Awards. So far, there hasn’t really been a reason to leave the UN because they are usually pretty quiet and don’t make much noise.

Ah, but there are problems with that august body, not the least of which being the recent scandal involving the UN’s “oil for food” program with Iraq. Seems that neither the UN nor Saddam Hussein were completely honest with one another. Kofi Anan’s son was caught skimming money while sending food to Iraq, which Saddam promptly took for himself and sold. Here is our golden opportunity to tell the UN to take a hike, but that leaves us with a dilemma: where do we go?

This problem vexed me for a time, but eventually the little capitalist inside my brain slapped me and gave me the perfect alternative. We can start our own United Nations, not to replace the original, but to give it some competition. Capitalism teaches us that in order to improve quality, there must be competition. Of course, I don’t know how many people really want a second corrupt, anti-American, ineffective world body, but this is the beautiful part. Since we can create it, we can mold it any way we choose. So, I’m taking the old UN, having the guys from “Monster Garage” take a crack at it, and turning it into an organization that we can be proud to be a part of. (Well, either that or a golf cart with air powered beer can bazookas.)

While they’re doing that, let’s come up with a name. I’ve run down list after list of possible names, such as the League of Nations Who Get It, the He Man French Haters Club, and United Nations II: This Time, It’s American. But nothing really stood out as the perfect name. Then it hit me.

Bob.

I know, this doesn’t exactly sound like a name of an international organization, but hear me out on this one. Bob may not have dignity like “The United Nations” does, but what it lacks in dignity, it makes up for in comfort. Think about it. Let’s say there’s a problem in Lower East South Albania. You have the United Nations saying, “The UN stands ready to assist.” Then you have Bob saying, “Bob will take care of it.” No contest: Bob wins hands down because Bob is a name that screams competence. You wouldn’t take your car in to the United Nations for a tune up, would you? Hell no! You go to Bob and you know Bob isn’t going to scam you with a “Cheez Doodles for quarts of oil” program.

And while we’re at it, let’s try to make Bob seem more like an American-led group would be. The UN formal functions tend to be black tie and dryer than an Amish spring break in the Sahara Desert. Bob’s formal functions will be more fun! Loud rock and roll music! Girls dancing on tables! Keggers flowing 24/7! Midgets in top hats! Everything that makes America great!

The last bit of business is membership. This one’s a no-brainer. Israel? Definitely in, because they know how to kick some serious ass! England? Because of their assistance in the War with Iraq, they’re in. In fact, all of the countries in the “unilateral” coalition we had are in by default. As for those who opposed us…well, let’s just say membership will be a bit stricter for them. If you thought fraternity hazings were rough, wait until you pledge to get into Bob! You should only hope that we let you off with eating dog food. (Or McDonalds, which is pretty much the same thing.)

Oh, and by the way, NO FRANCE! It’s in the Bob Charter. Sorry, Jacques, but until you guys learn socialism has gone the way of Dexy’s Midnight Runners, you guys can’t hang with Bob.

So, United Nations, consider this your wake-up call. Shape up fast and start letting the big boys run the show, or I’ll turn Bob loose on ya. You know my cell number, Kofi. Call if you want to work out a deal.

Oh, and tell France that it can stop surrendering now. I’m done.

And that’s the Bottom Line.