Clear Eye for the American Guy

A Presidential makeover

by Thomas Lindaman
07/16/04

A recent poll of Canadian teens between the ages of 14 and 18 shows that over 40% of the teens surveyed think America is evil, with President Bush coming in third on a list of most evil people, behind Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler. (For the record, I came in 23rd, behind Corey Feldman.) And adding salt to that wound, the poll number climbed to 64% among French Canadian teens surveyed. Oh no! The French Canadians don't like us! What will we ever do? (Oh yeah, ignore them!)

Seriously, though, George W. Bush has taken a PR beating in the last couple of years. But it's only a symptom of a general "America is bad" vibe that's taken hold in the world for a while now. And, not surprisingly, there are people around the world who buy into this, even when the ones pointing the fingers at us for the cause of their ills are the ones who are truly responsible for the deplorable conditions in their respective countries. To paraphrase Trey Parker and Matt Stone from the South Park movie, their mantra is "Blame America."

So, Bush needs a makeover and fast! I know I'm not one of the Fab Five from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," but I think I have a few ideas for how the President can revamp his, and subsequently our, image.

The Cowboy. The world already thinks George W. Bush is a cowboy, so why not flaunt it? Get cowboy gear for the Bush Administration, including six-shooters. That way whenever there's trouble on Capitol Hill, The Austin Kid and his trusty partner Butch Coronary can ride into town for a shootout at the DC Corral. With his posse, Calamity Condi, The Rums-Dance Kid, and Colin Powell (Hey, I'm still working on a cool cowboy name for the guy. Sue me.), Bush could turn the world into his own version of Dodge City and rope him some WMD rustlers.

The Lumberjack. One of the most common knocks against Bush is that he's a puppet to Big Business, especially those who want to defile the environment. Well, those days are over once Bush puts on a red checkered flannel shirt open to the navel, a pair of overalls, and a pair of work boots! Yes, our President goes from environmental enemy to hunky hero, complete with a full mustache and beard. (Think Bush as the guy on the front of the Brawny paper towel packages.) He's not a corporate puppet; he's a hard-working backwoods man who respects nature! And you can just picture him walking through the forest, singing, "I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a braaaaa..."

The Sensitive Male. Maybe we should go the other way. Instead of loading up on testosterone, let's look at what would happen if Bush decided to be more like his critics want him to be. Instead of going to war when a country violates the terms of a UN cease fire, Bush can try talking to the offending country. But he mustn't pass judgment! That would convey a sense of him feeling superior to the leader of the other country, and that would hurt that country's feelings! To smooth things over with the United Nations, Bush could invite them for a sleepover at the White House! Pop popcorn, watch "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood," do each other's hair, and talk about what boys and foreign leaders we secretly like! (You know, like what I do on Saturday nights.) And afterwards, we'd all get along better with the whole world, provided they want to be our friends. I mean, we don't want to seem pushy or anything, right?

Norm Abrams. Same wardrobe as the Lumberjack, but with safety goggles. Since we pretty much fix up the world when things need fixing, Bush could take a cue from Norm Abrams and strap on a toolbelt. Then, he could putter around in Iraq, putting in not just a new and stable government, but a nice set of storage shelves to boot! Then, we could rewire France to handle any above normal summer temperatures without having to deal with blackouts. Bush would be every country's helpful handyman!

See? It's easy to come up with new images for Bush so that he can win back the hearts and minds of the world.

On second thought, Bush should just keep doing things the way he has been. Anything that torques off the French Canadians that much can't be all bad.

And that's the Bottom Line.