Dear Larry

Advice for our times

It’s come to my attention that a number of you are at a loss as to proper etiquette regarding the use of or, more accurately, the response to the use of cell phones by others in today’s society.

In the spirit of public service and to aid those of you who feel the need for counsel in these matters, I hereby introduce a new segment of this column: Dear Larry.

Dear Larry,

The other night, I was sitting with my wife at a movie. At precisely the most suspenseful moment of the story, some idiot’s cell phone went off. Because it was deep in his coat pocket, he couldn’t find it for several rings. When he did, he proceeded to talk for several moments to whomever was on the line.

My question is this. Was I wrong in my desire to reach across the back of his seat and snatch him bald? My wife says that my anger level is a problem I need to discuss with someone. - Annoyed at the Cineplex

Dear Annoyed,

Anyone who leaves a cell phone on "ring" while in a movie theater and then takes a call without leaving is seeking only to display his perceived stature in relation to those lower life forms who are there merely to enjoy a movie. Such individuals are known by various names. "Pinhead" is the one that comes most readily to mind.

As to the action required, gross and immediate bodily harm is the only appropriate response. Your course of action, thus, should have been to rip this individual’s head off, hand it to his movie-going companion while asking, "Paper or plastic?" and then stuff the cell phone down the user’s now open throat.

Your wife is absolutely right. The timidity of your proposed response worries me. You should seek help immediately.

I do hope this helps. - Larry

Dear Larry,

I’m at my wit’s end. This afternoon I was nearly run off the road by some klutz holding a cell phone with his left hand, taking notes with his right, steering with his knees, and - apparently - keeping track of traffic with that portion of his brain which signals the body’s craving for Ding-Dongs.

Knowing that there are laws against "Road Rage" and that if I succumb to my desire to mount a .50 caliber, air-cooled, belt-fed machine gun on my hood to take these people out, I could end up explaining my actions to a jury, is there anything else I could have done? - Frustrated Four-Wheeler

Dear Frustrated,

It will satisfy you to no end to know that you’ve already got your problem mostly licked. The fact that you own a four-wheeler opens up a world of opportunity to you. While I applaud the thought of using a .50 caliber and think that a jury of your peers would find you guilty, at most, of disturbing the peace, I offer the following:

Take your vehicle to a welding and fabrication shop and have them mount a pair of steel beams to replace your front and rear bumpers. Make sure that the new bumpers these extend at least four inches beyond the sides of your vehicle.

The next time anyone with a cell phone crammed into their cranium edges into your lane, adjust your speed so that one of your bumpers is even with their front door. When contact is made, apply your brakes. This will allow the steel beam to open up the side panel of the caller’s car to the tune of several thousand dollars. Your response to the investigating officer, of course, will be: "Officer, I was minding my own business when he bumped into me while using his phone. I stopped in an effort to avoid an accident." – Larry

P.S. Do remember that you should regularly sharpen the edges of the beams - preferably at every oil change.

Dear Larry,

Is there anything that can be done about people in restaurants who take cell phone calls and then speak loudly enough so that people three tables away can hear the discussion? - Lost my taste for Lasagna

Dear Lost,

You must remember that, although we are all God’s children, there are some who should never be allowed in public places. Since manners are no longer "de rigueur" amongst certain cell phone users, one must take direct action to end their boorish behavior.

Carry a bullhorn with you whenever you go to a restaurant and, the next time this happens, hand the bullhorn to the cell phone user and say, "I don’t think the guys washing dishes can hear you. Do, please, speak up."- Larry

Hope these tips help.

Coming soon: “How to deal with telemarketers and avoid serving hard time.”

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