Warnings
Here's your sign
After reading some of the warnings manufacturers
use to protect us, I've concluded that most are far too vague
and imprecise. They don't properly convey the inherent dangers
forcefully enough. Further, given our ability to ignore the obvious
(See: Darwin Awards), I believe warnings need to be much more
attention grabbing.
For these reasons, I've decided to help. The following, therefore,
are warnings that I think would be far more appropriate:
On Coffee Cups: "The coffee you just bought
is hot. That's the way most people drink it, so that's how we
brew it. Stowing this cup between your legs in a moving car may
be convenient, but it's also one sure way to become intimately
acquainted with at least one of the laws of heat transfer. We
really don't advise that."
On Products marked "Made in China":
"We really haven't really got the hang of this whole inspection
and product safety thing yet. It's one of the reasons we can sell
everything so cheaply. Best not be putting anything we make in
your bodies just now and, for sure, don't let your kids lick the
toys. We think we've taken care of that anti-freeze in the toothpaste
issue though. Really sorry about that one."
On Cigarette Packages: "Can you name a Marlboro
Man who's still alive? Neither can we. We make cigarettes because
they're addictive and profitable - not for their health or restorative
properties. There've been just about a gazillion studies proving
this so, when you get cancer, don't come whining to us."
On Seat Belts: "Sure. Forget the seat belt.
It's a pain. Besides, our studies show that you've been right
all along. In an accident, you will be able to get out far more
quickly without them - most likely while the car's still moving."
On Mortgages: "Look. This one's between
you and the bank so be sure of the terms. If they're going to
toss money around like it grows on trees and if you're going to
pretend you can afford doing the same, then don't look to the
government or the taxpayers to pick up the pieces when it all
comes crashing down."
On Motorcycles: "Cars have four wheels.
Motorcycles have two. Cars are stable. Motorcycles are catapults.
Cars outweigh motorcycles by a bunch. We think you can figure
it out from here."
On IRS Forms: "Don't ask us. We don't understand
the things either. Call three agents, get three answers. Get hold
of the bozos who make these rules and vote them the heck out of
office. Maybe then, we can get some sense in the system. Don't
hold your breath though."
On Guns: "Okay. Since you 'know' the gun
isn't loaded and you're going to pull the trigger without checking,
at least point the end with the small, round hole away from everyone.
This, of course, includes yourself."
On Hair Dryers: "If you want to bathe with
something, go get a rubber duck."
On Condoms: "Let's see if we've got this
straight. With all we know about AIDS, HIV, and several other
gawdawful diseases, you're going to bet the ranch on a piece of
latex?"
On Ladders: "If you're going to stand above
this step, you'd better have a set of wings sprouting from your
back. If you don't, you'll probably have them soon."
On Toasters: "Insert knife or fork here.
Hurts, doesn't it? Bet you're not going to do that again, are
you?"
On Power Tools: "Remember when you hit your
thumb with a hammer or attached your finger to the paper with
a stapler? Remember when you sliced the web of your hand with
a saw? Well, power tools are made so that all of the above happen
one heck of a lot quicker. Pay attention!"
On Alcohol Bottles: "Pregnant? How about
a nice soda instead? You weigh a hundred and something pounds
and you know what booze does to you. What if you only weighed
2 or 3 pounds and had yet to see the light of day? How about a
twist of lime with that soda?"
Again, on Alcohol Bottles: "Thinking about
driving later? How about doing us all a big favor? Before going
into the bar, park your car clear across the freeway. When you're
finished for the evening, run to it. No, don't bother looking.
Take the hit for the rest of us."
And, finally:
On most politicians' foreheads: "Space for
rent to highest bidder. Unfurnished. All bids accepted."
Do take heed of that last. |
